Sunday, March 1, 2015

The Better Half of "Californication"

"Californication" began in 2007 and starred David Duchovny as a struggling writer/father/boyfriend/addict living in sin in Southern California. His agent, Charlie, masturbated his way out of a lucrative job, tramp-stamped his way in and out of a weird marriage, and fathered a cute albeit likely psychologically troubled little boy named Stuart (after Charlie's wife's ex who possesses the hardware of a horse). Hank (Duchovny) also struggles with his faith in God, or his higher power, be it booze, broads, or buds of green. Throughout the series, which lasted until 2014 and featured cameos by the likes of Rob Lowe, RZA, Rick Springfield, Marilyn Manson, and Tommy Lee, Hank meets and beds a handful of women, and this post is a tribute to them, the better half of Hank Moody and his Californication. Not every gal will be gutted, just those I deem vital to the overall "izm" of the series.

Natascha McElhone - stars as Hank Moody's estranged girlfriend and baby-momma, Karen. She's in every episode, has immaculate hair and cheekbones, and captIvatIng eyes. With Hank each step of the way, through immensely thick and incredibly thin, she is his muse, his enemy, his shoulder's chip, and the angel and devil of his Heaven and Hell.
McElhone plays her part with grace. One gets the feeling she understands her role in the scheme of "Hank Moody" and accepts his faults no matter how demoralizing, degrading, diffusing they can be. McElhone never fully "gives it up" in the series, and we are left to wonder what the nearly unattainable looks like under the sheets.
Pros - goddessy facial features, superb hairstyles, enticing lips, and legs fa days.
Cons - non-nude throughout the series, and always pops up where she needn't be.

Pamela Adlon - stars as Marcy Runkle, Hank's agent's wife/ex-wife/wife and baby-momma. She runs a tanning/waxing salon and is never afraid to "get her hands wet." She's in 80 episodes (of 84), is built like a brick shit-house, and spouts some of the best lines of dialogue. An odd sexual tension exists between Marcy and Hank, and she never engages with him in coitus (save a brief handjob), one of few throughout the series. She often helps keep Karen's feet on the ground and head in the clouds.
Adlon was made for the part. She's tiny, loud, dusky in both sight and sound. Who else would have fit so compactly into the role? Right. No one. One more femme who stays relatively clothed throughout the series.
Pros - Smurf-like frame makes for easy travel, no-nonsense of her surroundings, only character to have a sex doll made in her likeness.
Cons - none-nude throughout the series, and always pops up where she needn't be.

Madeleine Martin - stars as Becca, Hank and Karen's goth-turned-punk daughter who lusts for life in the hardest way and inevitably gets it. She plays guitar, joins a band, eats mushrooms with a rich girl, and marries a dude who looks like he never left the island. Hank often hides his latest tryst in Becca's bedroom.
Martin plays her part with a natural style and silence that could benefit some of the other characters. Her moodiness is not unrequited. She is the brunt of many of Hank's downfalls, but also creates some of her own havoc in the name of her dad's livid lifestyle. She wants to be a writer, makes a pilgrimage to conjure the muse, but likely just crossed the country with a head full of pot. We can not really envy Becca, being Hank's daughter. Hank seems to care too much and Karen not enough, so Becca is caught in a whirlwind of give-and-take, but never knows exactly how to give and decides instead to take it all.
Martin is in 74 of the 84 episodes, and her episodes tend to be the most heart-hurting, painful to watch of the bunch.
Pros - plays guitar like a champ, always lets Hank know when he's screwing up everyone's lives, Bettie Page-style hairdo, cries on cue like nobody's business.
Cons - almost never smiles, cries a lot, always pops up where she needn't be.

Madeline Zima - stars as Mia, the underage trouble-maker who initiates Hank's problems with the law, Karen, and his future job opportunities. She meets Hank in a bookstore, seduces him, never tells him her age, and punches him in the face not once but twice, something he never recovers from. Zima is in 28 episodes, nearly all of them early in the series, and many of them maddening. Mia tends to be the driving force of Hank's most successful literary masterpieces, even the one about her that she publishes as her own and eventually takes on a publicity tour. She makes a mockery of her father's wedding with Karen, fucks a rockstar, and contemplates suicide with Hank about fifty stories up. Zima, the actress is incredibly lithe but naturally endowed with soy milk skin, long limbs, and near perfect breasts, with a squinty grimace that makes you want to punch the screen. Eventually Mia warms to the rest of the crew, treats Becca like a cool little sister, and confesses to the court in Hank's statutory rape rap, easing his pain.
Pros - much needed allure for the show to start off with a bang, always keeps Hank on (off?) his toes, provides the necessary fodder for Hank's most secretly triumphant novel. 
Cons - too vindictive, nude only in passing, often a nuisance when needn't be. 

Rachel Miner - stars as Dani for 12 episodes, Charlie Runkle's secretary in real Maggie G. style. Eff's up Runk's job because she just can't help being bad, takes a few light slams, and tries to be as good an agent.
Pros - poses as a Suicide Girl, face metal, the naughty office girl we all hope for, acts briefly as Marcy's lesbian stud.
Cons - fizzles out as a wannabe agent, inappropriately apologetic. 

Carla Gallo - stars as Daisy in 11 episodes, up-and-cumming pornstar who is taken under Charlie Runkle's wing only to botch the whole thing up with fabulous breast implants. Marcy waxes her nethers and let's her sleep with her and Charlie like a kid afraid of something under the bed. Gallo plays another Daisy on "Bones," but doesn't go near as nude.
Pros - always entertaining on screen, not afraid to help a sexually forlorn Runkle, light-heartedness the show ashamedly asks for. 
Cons - nude when she needn't be, too hungry for fame.

Kathleen Turner - stars as Sue Collini in 10 episodes, hires Charlie Runkle and seduces him a number of times, sexually enlightened like no other senior citizen, always leaves a calling card: "Collini Out." Turner still has an uncanny knack for emanating sexual heat, and even if she quit acting after the series, she would have left a Cougar-shaped void Hollywood would be forever trying to fill.
Pros - open to sex in all forms, only blows powder on her back porch, smoker's voice.
Cons - catch phrase, non-nude throughout.

Embeth Davidtz - stars as Felicia Koons in 10 episodes, a naughty but sexually unsatisfied housewife of a college dean, and a brief encounter with anyone remotely foreign for Hank. Mannered, accented, quietly depraved. Takes Hank as a knight in black armor in hopes of whisking her away from monotony. Thin but bendy, another cog in Hank's whiskey wagon wheel.
Pros - seductive British accent, sharp style, maturity benefitting the series, climbs aboard Hank in his office on school grounds. 
Cons - never really appreciates her situation, oddly boyish for Hank's otherwise girly conquests. 

Carla Gugino - stars as Abby Rhodes in 10 episodes, fulfills Hank's need for representation during the Mia fiasco, intriguing on approximately all levels, curt but impossibly effective. Gugino's character could really have been "fleshed" out, but in light of moving the Mia character along, exists only as more leveling for Hank's uneven life. Arguably the most attractive of Hank's harem, great hairdos, lithe but bubbly where it counts.
Pros - Bettie Page-style bangs, over-the-hill but righteous babe-like mystique, non-nude but lingerie-laden sex scene, benefits from probably the best makeup of the series.
Cons - character short-lived, non-nude throughout, not my actual lawyer.

Maggie Grace - stars as Faith in 10 episodes, rockstar groupie who helps Hank when he needs it most, meeting him at one of his lowest points. In rehab the two devise a way to stay connected through spirituality and marijuana, music, and the "bigger picture." 
Pros - dreadfully talkative eyes, Karen-style bouffant, peachy little back porch, obvious muse in an otherwise subtle world.
Cons - character too apparent, almost unnecessary.

Diane Farr - stars as Jill in 9 episodes, TA for Hank while he's professing his know-how to future leaders of America. Sits in on his alcohol-induced ramblings on good writing, bad writing, the nature of sex with regard to writing, and how generally to not give a fuck. Desperate but heartwarmingly attractive.
Pros - impeccably wide and inviting mouth, great eyeshadow, intelligent.
Cons - too eager to house a husband, unfortunately the target of a powerful but terse insult.

Eva Amurri Martino - stars as Jackie in 9 episodes, one of hank's students while he teaches writing classes, side jobs as an erotic dancer. Bustiest of Hank's ladies, one of the youngest as well, and one of the most sexual. Blessed with perfect breasts and interesting facial features, Martino's Jackie is poignant and finely combed as a greedy young thing with pointed insults and powerful allure.
Pros - wonderful to look at, good skin, great eye shadow, tits fa days.
Cons - immaturity abound.

Heather Graham - stars as Julia in 9 episodes, Hank's other baby-momma who he met before his life's love, Karen, and with whom fathered another child, the strangely Jewish Levon. Graham is at her Graham-iest, bouncy, bubbly, endearingly oblivious, blonde and bewildering. Her character is an aspiring actress who unfortunately does not end up with Hank and instead some pissed-off TV producer in an unsatisfying finale.
Pros - smokes the dope with Hank and hungrily devours the moment, smiley when we need it, perfect attention grabber to keep Hank's mind off an eternally unreachable Karen.
Cons - questionable parenting techniques, sorely scratched out of the series in "whatever" fashion.

Meagan Good - stars as Kali in 7 episodes, Samurai Apocalypse's muse and would-be gf, only she aint about to be tied-down and would rather Hank tied her up. Sexy as hell, curvaceous and compact, one of few characters in the series to appear non-nude. 
Pros - beautiful skin, tits fa days, ass fa days, nice voice, confident beyond compare.
Cons - nearly gets Hank killed, gets Charlie shot, unfortunately scratched from the series in a regrettable last appearance.

Addison Timlin - stars as Sasha Bingham in 6 episodes, starlet slated to portray Mia in the movie adaptation of Hank's stolen novel, "Fucking and Punching." Although unbearably childlike, Timlin was given two perfect breasts and happily shares them with the world during a meeting to discuss the movie. Hank enjoys those golden globes on several occasions but fucks everything up (again) when he unknowingly beds (again) the wrong woman.
Pros - like Kristen Stewart but, like, really better. Tits. Fa. Days.
Cons - ummm...she....uh, I...too busty in a cop uniform?

Several women from Hank Moody's virtual life are not represented, and there may be fans out there who are wondering why. Well, every great-to-goo tv series affects its watchers in different ways, its characters impact the audience with unique intent and consequence. The women above, the CHARACTERS and the way they look, have consequently become my latest muse, Sirens on the isle of Write, with intentions not always honest. Just the way I like it.

NOTE: all images were amassed from Google searches, and posted using the image's url.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Blogger and Nudity

To my esteemed followers/fans: please send me your emails if you wish to keep reading my posts. I guess I will make my blog private, since any blog containing nudity (is the female form in its purest state obscene? I guess it still is...) will be no longer public.
With your emails I will create a "private" list, which will mean that only those on the list will get updates concerning my blog.
I may just remove the thing completely, still pondering that....

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

The Ghost of Hamfist

Sports Illustrated's newest swimsuit edition has hit streets. Supposedly unveiled on Feb 9th, it was not until a week later, and persistent checking of the sub-par offerings at CVS, the once "adult" section of the mag rack at 7-11, now a bin of last year's dvd B-releases, and hovering like an creep in an overcoat while the overweight fellow at the college version of Mr. Barnes N. Noble procured for me a copy of SI Swimsuit after circling the "new in paperback" library carts and finally locating a stack marked "returns," did I understand the uproar of the publication's latest campaign. Or what they called their "campaign."

Weeks before the release, volume 122 number 7, SI stated that their upcoming edition would be something special. This edition was to be groundbreaking, unparalleled in its vision and purpose, ever bold in the face of a future full of women molded to fit our perception of "perfect." The 2015 swimsuit issue was going to feature a plus-size model between its pages. FEATURE a plus-size model. Something the magazine has never done, and hell, has any magazine ever been so daring? So progressive? So...trend-setting? Not likely, or at the least, not likely by SI's standards. One need only go so far as a tattered back issue of a burlesque magazine like CABARET or FOLLIES or any of the "proto-porn" digests issued by the mob in the 1950s to find that V122 N7 has simply cried wolf. The model "featured" between the pages of the 2015 issue is none other than Ashley Graham. A Nebraskan native, epitomizing the true nature of "corn-fed," Graham is the poster child of SI's newest leap into open-mindedness. The dusky woman measures in a D-cup, 40+ hips, and a tight stomach with a nearly perfect naval, the kind you want to dip a tongue into. Ashley is CURVY and voluptuous, with toned legs and arms, and a strong, angular face with slightly protruding maxilla compensated by a straight set of pearly whites. She has been modeling professionally for nearly a decade, longer if you count her early days in the amateur realm. Some of her notable appearances include a 2010 Lane Bryant commercial (quickly banned), billboards in Times Square for the same company in 2012, and some heavy-hitting Levi's jeans campaigns. Graham cofounded ALDA, a sort of models' union, and to date avidly professes her belief in staying true to one's self, no matter the shape/size, even loving the body you've been given and making the most of it. No other words resonate as strongly as these with me now. Although...

Remember when I said that Graham was featured in the latest issue of SI Swimsuit? This is it. One image, two pages. No model name, no photographer credit. The image above was lifted from the internet but matches the SI layout identically, with the exception of the little ".com" line at the bottom (that's not in the magazine). We can see Graham doing what any other-size model would at the water's edge: enjoying the island sun and stiff breeze, relaxing and feeling comfortable enough, secure enough, in her own body to lift a knee and let one fly. Maybe that's what's throwing Evan Hairgel off-balance, or maybe it's because he forgot that men in black suits are supposed to wear socks. Either way, the appearance of plus-sized Ashley in a magazine that regularly features a masquerade of high-school graduates is actually breaking ground. And it is a brief appearance. To call it a FEATURE is a hop-skip-and jump away from reality. It's a single fucking ad. It's what they now call a "campaign." The ad appears a few flicks of the thumb into the magazine, after an uneventful preliminary set of contents and ads for trucks, liquor, cologne, and TV, real butch stuff. Nothing follows the centerfold that equals its grace, acrobatics, illumination, open-mindedness...not even the body paint layout. Why did they not include Graham in the body paint layout? Not enough paint. I want to see Graham with a hand-painted holster, holding a Colt .45 in one hand and some Colt 45 in the other, her fabulous breasts a sandy colored vest with "buttons," and a black sombrero cordobes. That's some forward thought, too forward for SI.
The other models throughout the issues are standard SI fodder, and exactly what the magazine's audiences have come to know, expect, and love. To throw in a passive campaign about a swimsuit company that designs for all shapes and sizes is typically ham-fisted. Are the knuckle-draggers at SI so stern in their conviction that real ground has been broken, that history has been made? Even the motion picture ad from the same campaign, albeit totally hot because we can watch Ms. Graham's love handles in action, seems paunchy, with studly, tattooed talent agency dudes eye-fucking the hell out of the newest pool poon. This alone tells me that SI and their current leech #curvesinbikinis have done nothing new.
The real history being made is a new notch on Ashley Graham's extra-large gun belt. She can put this "feature" in her ouevre. It doesn't come close to half of the stuff on her website. Stuff she's already been making history with. Stuff like this:

We here at Suicide of Pulp eschew forth an understanding of the intent of the latest swimsuit issue of SI but with an air of contempt, fortifying a disappointment (not anger) of the publicists and the magazine in total. If you're going to feature a gorgeous woman like Ashley Graham, whose measurements essentially equal that of two regular SI models, and call it a "feature," then be a good boy and do like Daddy says. Two pages comprising one central image does not a feature make. What's left of the magazine after Graham's appearance is an apparition, a shapely silhouette of inner desire. She makes the rest of the magazine go by in the blink of an eye, like a box fan through the pages of a smoky book. 
Plus-size UPS to Graham for ever wanting to grace the pages of an otherwise run-of-the mill American output.