The Ghost of Hamfist

Sports Illustrated's newest swimsuit edition has hit streets. Supposedly unveiled on Feb 9th, it was not until a week later, and persistent checking of the sub-par offerings at CVS, the once "adult" section of the mag rack at 7-11, now a bin of last year's dvd B-releases, and hovering like an creep in an overcoat while the overweight fellow at the college version of Mr. Barnes N. Noble procured for me a copy of SI Swimsuit after circling the "new in paperback" library carts and finally locating a stack marked "returns," did I understand the uproar of the publication's latest campaign. Or what they called their "campaign."

Weeks before the release, volume 122 number 7, SI stated that their upcoming edition would be something special. This edition was to be groundbreaking, unparalleled in its vision and purpose, ever bold in the face of a future full of women molded to fit our perception of "perfect." The 2015 swimsuit issue was going to feature a plus-size model between its pages. FEATURE a plus-size model. Something the magazine has never done, and hell, has any magazine ever been so daring? So progressive? So...trend-setting? Not likely, or at the least, not likely by SI's standards. One need only go so far as a tattered back issue of a burlesque magazine like CABARET or FOLLIES or any of the "proto-porn" digests issued by the mob in the 1950s to find that V122 N7 has simply cried wolf. The model "featured" between the pages of the 2015 issue is none other than Ashley Graham. A Nebraskan native, epitomizing the true nature of "corn-fed," Graham is the poster child of SI's newest leap into open-mindedness. The dusky woman measures in a D-cup, 40+ hips, and a tight stomach with a nearly perfect naval, the kind you want to dip a tongue into. Ashley is CURVY and voluptuous, with toned legs and arms, and a strong, angular face with slightly protruding maxilla compensated by a straight set of pearly whites. She has been modeling professionally for nearly a decade, longer if you count her early days in the amateur realm. Some of her notable appearances include a 2010 Lane Bryant commercial (quickly banned), billboards in Times Square for the same company in 2012, and some heavy-hitting Levi's jeans campaigns. Graham cofounded ALDA, a sort of models' union, and to date avidly professes her belief in staying true to one's self, no matter the shape/size, even loving the body you've been given and making the most of it. No other words resonate as strongly as these with me now. Although...

Remember when I said that Graham was featured in the latest issue of SI Swimsuit? This is it. One image, two pages. No model name, no photographer credit. The image above was lifted from the internet but matches the SI layout identically, with the exception of the little ".com" line at the bottom (that's not in the magazine). We can see Graham doing what any other-size model would at the water's edge: enjoying the island sun and stiff breeze, relaxing and feeling comfortable enough, secure enough, in her own body to lift a knee and let one fly. Maybe that's what's throwing Evan Hairgel off-balance, or maybe it's because he forgot that men in black suits are supposed to wear socks. Either way, the appearance of plus-sized Ashley in a magazine that regularly features a masquerade of high-school graduates is actually breaking ground. And it is a brief appearance. To call it a FEATURE is a hop-skip-and jump away from reality. It's a single fucking ad. It's what they now call a "campaign." The ad appears a few flicks of the thumb into the magazine, after an uneventful preliminary set of contents and ads for trucks, liquor, cologne, and TV, real butch stuff. Nothing follows the centerfold that equals its grace, acrobatics, illumination, open-mindedness...not even the body paint layout. Why did they not include Graham in the body paint layout? Not enough paint. I want to see Graham with a hand-painted holster, holding a Colt .45 in one hand and some Colt 45 in the other, her fabulous breasts a sandy colored vest with "buttons," and a black sombrero cordobes. That's some forward thought, too forward for SI.

The other models throughout the issues are standard SI fodder, and exactly what the magazine's audiences have come to know, expect, and love. To throw in a passive campaign about a swimsuit company that designs for all shapes and sizes is typically ham-fisted. Are the knuckle-draggers at SI so stern in their conviction that real ground has been broken, that history has been made? Even the motion picture ad from the same campaign, albeit totally hot because we can watch Ms. Graham's love handles in action, seems paunchy, with studly, tattooed talent agency dudes eye-fucking the hell out of the newest pool poon. This alone tells me that SI and their current leech #curvesinbikinis have done nothing new.

The real history being made is a new notch on Ashley Graham's extra-large gun belt. She can put this "feature" in her ouevre. It doesn't come close to half of the stuff on her website. Stuff she's already been making history with. Stuff like this:

We here at Suicide of Pulp eschew forth an understanding of the intent of the latest swimsuit issue of SI but with an air of contempt, fortifying a disappointment (not anger) of the publicists and the magazine in total. If you're going to feature a gorgeous woman like Ashley Graham, whose measurements essentially equal that of two regular SI models, and call it a "feature," then be a good boy and do like Daddy says. Two pages comprising one central image does not a feature make. What's left of the magazine after Graham's appearance is an apparition, a shapely silhouette of inner desire. She makes the rest of the magazine go by in the blink of an eye, like a box fan through the pages of a smoky book. 

Plus-size UPS to Graham for ever wanting to grace the pages of an otherwise run-of-the mill American output.